March 2015 Woman of Wonderosity!

Dear Diary,

The streets aren't safe and they have no name. Mutants are missing left and right in the city. It's kind of a scary time. You know what else is scary? Dating. It's atrocious and grody. In fact, I don't even know why I should put myself back out there. I should just be content that I had near success with Michelangelo and another near success with Bruce Wayne. And of course there's always Ed in the After Life. At some point we'll reunite for sure. Just not anytime soon because I'm living my life Diary. One date at a time. Oh, and on a side note, the big ball to celebrate the new start for the Diary of a Dorkette offices is almost here! 

Editor's note: This is post 497! The countdown is on!



Inside the nearly complete Diary of a Dorkette offices, Miss M gets a visitor from a man she has been talking to...

Miss M: Umm, what are you doing at my work?
Joh Yowza: Hey babe. I really needed to see you. I made a mistake. I know I said I wanted us to be friends because I wasn't sure I could date a dorky girl like you, but I was wrong. I really like you.

Miss M: I don't understand. What changed?

Joh Yowza: I've been drinking today with a buddy of mine and we have already gone through two bottles of wine.

Miss M: Umm, it's not even four o'clock yet.

Joh Yowza: I also took a Klonopin too.

Miss M: What?! You aren't supposed to mix those two!
Joh Yowza: I know, but shit, it's been a rough week. And I think you're so beautiful.
Miss M: (sighs) Ok, I think you need to go. And by go, I mean I'll call you a cab. How did you even get here?

Joh Yowza: I walked. Man, I can't get my life together.
Miss M: Yeah. Join the club. But maybe next time, don't mix pills and wine together, ok?
Joh Yowza: Yeah.

Miss M: Should I call a doctor?
Joh Yowza: Nah. I've done this before. Can I see you later on beautiful?

Miss M: Oh dear, heavens no. I'm going to be busy. For many, many, many years.

Joh Yowza: Ok. Bye.

Miss M: Yeah, bye!

April and Billy soon walk in with supplies for the office.

April: M, why have you been keeping Billy a secret? He is so handy!

Miss M: Umm, I don't know.

Billy: Who was that guy that just left?

Miss M: Another guy I was talking to. He said he only wanted to be friends and then he came to the realization that he liked me a lot, but it only took two bottles of wine and a Klonopin for him to get there.

Billy: Yikes. Not a good a match.
Miss M: You're telling me.

April: Oh M, there's got to be someone good out there for you. And not so... complicated.

Miss M: Yeah. I hope so.

Later on plans unfold for the Ninja Turtles with the help of Storm to get inside Arkham Asylum: The Club...

Leonardo: Are you sure you can get us in?

Storm: Of course I can, and if I can't, we'll just fight people.

Donatello: Uhh, that doesn't sound like a good idea. We don't really need to start fighting people. It'll lead to unwanted attention.

Storm: Speaking of unwanted attention...
April: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, I was getting work done on the new office space. Are we ready to party or what?

Storm: Honey bun, what are you wearing?

April: This is my club look.

Storm: I thought we agreed to look more subdued. To blend in with the shadows...

Leonardo: You just told us we might get into a fight if need be. I don't think being subdued matters anymore.

April: To be fair, I can totally fight in this skirt. Where's Mikey and Raph?

Storm: We are going to sneak them in once we are in. Can't run the risk of people noticing us too much. Got it?

April: Yep, now let's go. I want to dance! I've got a new lease on some office space and life. It's good to be April O'Neil!

She-Dragon: Oh, it's you all again. Where are the other two? And more importantly, how have you been dorky turtle dude?

Donatello: (stammers) I've been all right. My allergies have made me feel like I've had a sledgehammer to the head a few times, but I'm great. How are you?

She-Dragon: Lovely. You guys can't come in though.

Storm: Come on now, we all know that you are going to let us in.

She-Dragon: Oh Storm! From the X-Men. Yes, please, you and your party are more than welcome.

Leonardo: Wow, that's easy.
April: Beyond. Who knew Storm was a boss ass bee with an itch?
Storm: See what I mean? I know how to get things done.

April: All right, let's get the other two turtles in.

The adventurous group heads inside while She-Dragon makes a mysterious phone call from the chip inside her ear that no one can see.

She-Dragon: Hey, are you listening to me? We've got a big problem...

Inside the club...

Raphael: I thought you guys would never get in here.

Leonardo: How did you get in?

Raphael: Please. I got in because I'm cool. I've been casing the joint for awhile now.
April: Where's your brother?
Raphael: Ah, Mikey and Mona Lisa are dancing somewhere.

Donatello: What? Mikey brought his wife here?
Raphael: Yep. It's a full fledged affair with all of us... Clubbing. This might be the dumbest scenario we've ever been in.

April: Stranger things have happened.
Storm: All right then, since we're all here now, we move on to our next plan.
Leonardo: Which is?

Storm: We split up. Ask questions. See what we can find out. We'll reconvene in an hour.

April: Sounds great, but before we start chit chattin, I need a drink!

Else where in the club...

Jasmine: Hi, I was told my uncle was working tonight?
Dr. Blight: Oh, you must be Shredder's niece. Yes, he is here tonight. Follow me, I'll lead you to him.

Jasmine: Thank you.

Dr. Blight: How was your trip here?
Jasmine: I think I should save that tale for another time.

Dr. Blight: Very well. Follow me, we can use the elevator over here.
Jasmine: Ok, sounds great.

Jasmine: It's a bit tight.
Dr. Blight: This isn't some high class joint kid.

In other parts of the night club...

Leonardo: So, umm, if I wanted to try some new drugs, where would I go?

Lord Dread: Narc!! Narc!

Leonardo: No way! Honest! I'm cool.

Raphael: No you're not.

Leonardo: Look, I'm trying to find out some answers.

Raphael: Watch and learn brother.

Raphael: Hey you, over here...

Lord Dread: Umm, yeah?

Raphael: My brother and I are looking to score some Plastic.

Lord Dread: (whispers) All right, you need to find the doctor. He can make you feel better.

Raphael: Thanks.

Leonardo: Thanks? That's all you can say? You didn't do anything. We still have nothing to go on!

Raphael: Of course we do. We look for a doctor. This is a club Leo, not a hospital. It shouldn't be too hard to find a doctor around here.

The club life goes on...

Donatello: Hey. It's you, the door lady.
She-Dragon: I'm on break. Are you having fun?

Donatello: I'd rather be playing DnD.

She-Dragon: Wow, you really are a dork. I like it. You're really cute, you know that?
Donatello: Ok, what alternate universe is this? Girls like you never talk to a turtle like me.

She-Dragon: Well I'm not like other girls. By the way, when I play DnD, I'm always the Dungeon Master.
Donatello: I feel really funny in my shell right now.
She-Dragon: So, if you'd rather be geeking out in a basement somewhere, why are you here? In a nightclub of all places?

Donatello: I don't know that I can tell you. You work here and I'm trying to find out information about some things that involve this club.

She-Dragon: Like what?
Donatello: Well, for instance, who is your boss?
She-Dragon: That's a tricky question.

Donatello: Do you know who owns this club?
She-Dragon: What? You don't know the answer to that?
Donatello: Not really.
She-Dragon: Ok. If I tell you, then you need to do something for me.
Donatello: Like what?

She-Dragon: Take me out on a date. Something easy and fast so we can get back home and play DnD.
Donatello: Oh my. My heart. It feels funny.
She-Dragon: You're cute. The owner of this club is Shredder.
Donatello: Gulp. What?

She-Dragon: Yeah. Shredder owns this place.
Donatello: I don't think I can go on a date with you, not with Shredder being your boss.
She-Dragon: Hey, like I said, it's tricky when it comes to my boss.

Donatello: I don't know what that means, but you are trouble. See ya.

She-Dragon: Crap. Way to go She-Dragon. You really messed this one up.

More conversations continue as the swirl of the night blends into people's brains...

April: So you're telling me there is a doctor in the house? Or club as it were.

Apone: Oh sure. He's a bit eccentric, but he is a doctor!

April: My friend is currently single and I keep telling her she needs to date a doctor. What's his name?
Apone: Dr. Badvibes. Freaky isn't it?

April: Totally. What does he look like? I might want to introduce myself and see if he likes dating dorkettes. My friend is going to flip when I hook her up with a doctor.

Old friends meet up to discuss business...

Storm: What are you saying?
Wasp: I'm saying this isn't the only place that Plastic is being used. They say it is a powerful drug.

Storm: Lovely. What about the mutants though? I thought there would be more here.

Wasp: Nah. Mutants used to hit this place up all the time until the disappearances started happening. Now they go to Bow's Place or just stay at home. It isn't safe to go out anymore.

Storm: Right. Now, you said you had some Plastic on you, right?
Wasp: Sure. I've been getting samples so Hank can run tests.
Storm: Mind if I have a bit? I'd like to do some of my own research.

Wasp: Of course. Anything for you Storm.

Storm: Thanks doll.

Let the music play!

DJ  Joh Yowza: Let's get this crazy spot turned up! I'm already turned up!

Michelangelo: I know we should be working, but I just like dancing with you right now.

Mona Lisa: I know. This is what love feels like! I thought we'd be settled into an old routine by now, but nothing is boring with you.

Michelangelo: Nothing is ever going to be boring with you. Nothing at all.

As the newlyweds dance the night way, heroes stalk the night skyline observing the hot happenings in the club below.

???: Hmm. Now how do I figure out what is really going on around here?

Batman: Who are you?

???: Oh. It's just dusty old Batman. You scared me for a second.
Batman: You should still be scared. Who are you? This isn't the place for noob heroes.

???: I'm far from a noob.

Batman: I've never seen you around before. If you know who I am, it's only fair that I know who you are.

???: Le sigh. You can call me, WoW.

Batman: What kind of name is WoW?

WoW: Look dude, it's all I could come up with on short notice. I'm a crime fighter all right? I am not some writer sitting around with ideas to spare. Ok?

Batman: The city has enough crime fighters already, what makes you so special?

WoW: I'll tell you what makes me special. While all you crime fighters run around pretending to keep the city safe, I'm gonna be here making sure stuff actually gets done. Ya know for such a big bad crime fighter, evil still finds a way of existing around you. I plan on getting the job done once and for all.

Batman: Lofty goals for someone who is new to this.

WoW: You don't know me. What are you doing here?

Batman: I'm trying to find out why mutants are missing. It's all anyone seems to be talking about these days and I am beginning to think that something sinister is happening. Since this is the hotspot for mutants to go to, I thought I'd check it out.

WoW: Yeah, well checking it all out is proving to be a waste. Mutants don't seem to be here in droves like they once were. I just don't know what to do next.

Suddenly a piecing scream cuts through the night!

WoW: Oh my goodness, there's trouble!
Batman: I'm on it!

WoW: I'm on it too. Out of the way.

Marrow: Stay away from me! I'm not afraid to kill you!

Crazy 88 Foot Soldier: Easy does it, just come a little closer.

Marrow: Stay away!

WoW: Now that's just about enough!

Crazy 88 Foot Soldier: Ha. Who are you? What can you possibly do to me?

WoW: I can teach you about courage. And a few other things!

Wam!

Bam!

Thank you Ma'am!

Crazy 88 Foot Soldier: Huh? How did you do all that? Who are you?

WoW: I'm WoW. It stands for...

(March 2015) Woman of Wonderosity!

Batman looks on, pretty impressed.

Crazy 88 Foot Soldier: I'm over this shit.
WoW: That's right, run off like a darn fool. Are you all right?
Marrow: I'm fine. I can handle my own.

WoW: I have no doubt. I just heard screaming.
Batman: We both arrived to help.

Marrow: You dumb heroes. Crime fighters fighting the old tired fight of crime. My life might have been spared tonight, but it's only a matter of time before I get bumped off like all the other mutants around here.

WoW: Why do you say that?
Marrow: You really don't know what's going on here do you?
WoW: The news has been reporting...

Marrow: Oh forget what the news is reporting. The news knows nothing. It's a form of media that shares the word of the highest bidder. If you want to know what's going on, go to the streets. Ask the mutants. We're being hunted.

Batman: Hunted?

Marrow: By Shredder and the Foot Clan.
WoW: Why though? What does Shredder want with you?

Marrow: If you want those answers, you need to find the Doctor.
WoW: Doctor?

Marrow: Dr. Badvibes. The local drug dealer. He specializes in the new drug Plastic. The drug is everywhere and rising in production, meanwhile the number of mutants disappearing is also rising. Coincidence?

WoW: What do those two points have to do with each other?
Marrow: No one knows for sure, but find the good doctor. If you can.
WoW: I might know someone that can help.

Batman: Let me know what I can do to help you too.
WoW: I'm good. I can handle my own. Later Batman.

Batman: Yeah. Later.

Meanwhile, in a special area of Arkham Asylum: The Club!

Shredder: Bebop, Rocksteady! I've been looking for you.
Bebop: At your service boss.
Rocksteady: We got the pony. She's in the cells with the mutants.

Shredder: Great. Wonderful work. Now, go and get them. I want you to bring all the mutants to me.

Bebop: But boss, why?

Shredder: Don't question me. Get to the cells. I want every mutant before me.

Rocksteady: Come on Bebop, let's do what he says.

Bebop and Rocksteady walk away.

A few moments pass.

Shredder: Where are they?

Shredder: What is this? Where are the mutants?

Dr. Blight: They didn't get to the mutants. Instead they came to me. Shredder, why did you ask Bebop and Rocksteady to gather the mutants? They are our prisoners.

Shredder: Do you dare to question me?

Dr. Blight: Yes, I do. We've been partners in crime for awhile now, and what you requested makes no sense. What's happening?

Shredder: Just follow my orders!

Dr. Blight: I'll follow your orders once you give me a reason. I deserve that much.

Shredder: You will get nothing!

Things get heated as the group begins to argue!

Tensions rise and a fight nearly breaks out. Of course, things get even weirder!

Shredder 2: What is this?
Jasmine: Uncle Shredder! There are two of you!

Bebop: Whoa, what's happening?

Dr. Blight: Who's the real one? What is going on?

Shredder 1: I am the real Shredder. Now seize the fake!

Jasmine: What is this?

Shredder 2: You fools, I am the real Shredder! Stop this impostor!

Dr. Blight: Bebop, Rocksteady, apprehend them both. I'm tired of this insanity!

Rocksteady: Uhh, what do you do?
Bebop: We nab the Shredders!

Shredder 1: Not so fast!

Fight!

Shredder 2: Stop my doppelganger!

Dr. Blight: He's too fast!

Shredder 1: (Howls in pain as he is shocked by Dr. Badvibes with a taser) No!

Dr. Badvibes: I do make house calls.

Dr. Blight: You arrived just in time.

Bebop: Look! That Shredder was a mutant!

Mystique crumples to the ground unconscious.

Shredder: Would you look at that? Another mutant menace. She could have really screwed things up.

Jasmine: Uncle, what is going on? I didn't realize this was a dangerous place.

Shredder: My dear niece, I merely wanted to show you around my empire. I had no idea someone would be out for my life. (he continues to lie) You see my dear, a band of mutants have been trying to kill me. Pay no mind to the woman on the floor. Bebop, Rocksteady, send her to a holding cell until the police can take her.

Bebop: Sure thing boss.

Shredder: Now Jasmine, if you don't mind, I have some business to attend to. Go back to the club and I'll catch up more with you later.

Jasmine: Ok.

Jasmine walks away as Dr. Blight fumes...

Dr. Blight: What were you thinking bringing your niece here?!

Shredder: Please, spare me your worry. My niece has no idea what we are doing here. I have bigger plans for her, and pretty soon it won't even matter what she sees or not. Now, if that Mystique woman was impersonating me, that must mean that others are catching on to what we are doing.
Dr. Blight: Sounds serious.
Shredder: It is. We need to make sure no one finds out that our cash cow designer drug is coming from the bodies of dead mutants.

Dr. Badvibes: Easier said than done. The Ninja Turtles were here earlier. I have clients who told me they were being asked too many questions by some talking turtles. They also spotted a weather witch and a broad decked out in club clothes from the 90's talking to people too.

Shredder: Those blasted turtles. Leave them to me. Now, I understand Bebop and Rocksteady found a little pony?

Dr. Blight: Yes, they did. Shall we prepare for her to be synthesized into Plastic?

Shredder: Not just yet. I am far more interested in taking down the Ninja Turtles. No one is stopping me from ruling this city... no one!

Up Next!
Find out what's in store for She-Ra!
And! Helspont makes it to the After Life!