March 2015 Bodacious Baddie!

What's up dude diary?

This is Ed. I'm dead. Just takin it easy in the After Life. Actually it's not really that easy. It was easy. Everything was easy in the After life before she came into the picture. Ever since I met Miss M, my heart has been beating differently. Metaphorically speaking. I'm deader than dead and thus have no real heart anymore. With much regret though, Miss M left the After Life. Get this dude diary, she left for a second chance at life again! How does that even work? Who gets those kinds of second chances? This isn't a Marvel comic. It doesn't matter though. I still wait patiently for the day when she'll die again and we'll be reunited. Until then, I just continue to take it easy in the Crystal Castle replica I built for her. Because that's what love is. Building your sweet lady a Crystal Castle replica to live in. In the After Life. Now if only she'd seriously want to spend the rest of eternity together...

-Ed




In the After Life...

Ed: Man. How long has it been? Why can't they invent clocks in the After Life? This is bogus. Oh M. If only you could see what I built for you. One day. And when that day comes, it'll be awesome!

Ed: Right Angelala?

Angelala: (opens mouth and emits the piano theme song to Final Fantasy IV)

In an After Life prison...

Maleficent: Ungrateful dimension I live in. You screw up once and try to usher Earth into Total Darkness and it's like no one will let you forget it. How is it even possible for me to rot in this prison for eternity? It makes no sense. And when something doesn't make sense...

Maleficent: (pauses as the air changes) What is that? (her eyes narrow) Something evil is here.

The headquarters to the After Life...

Miss Elizabeth: Angela, I believe we have finally found the proper utensils for the grand celebration.
Angela: I am thrilled. Especially since you are being given such an important position in the After Life.

Miss Elizabeth: I can only hope I fulfill my duties well. We shall see what happens.

Angela: Yes. Now, what will we actually be eating since we are dead? Shall we discuss?

Suddenly!

Helspont: No one stand in my way.
Miss Elizabeth: Oh dear.

Angela: Who are you? You can't just appear in the light chamber!

Miss Elizabeth: Careful Angela, this is a most powerful being.

Helspont: You are smart to know of me Miss. I can be rather destructive if need be, so I ask that you help.

Miss Elizabeth: What are you doing here?

Helspont: I'm looking for the whereabouts of the deceased known as Maleficent.

Miss Elizabeth: Maleficent? What could you possibly want with her?

Helspont: It is of no concern to you. Just tell me where she is. I am here on universal command.
Miss Elizabeth: Universal command?! That hasn't been enforced for light years!

Helspont: And what Maleficent has done has not happened for light years. Now, where is she?

Miss Elizabeth: All right. I will lead you to her.

Moments later...

Miss Elizabeth: This is her prison.
Helspont: Thank you for cooperating. Lady Kale will find this helpful in the future.

Angela: Miss Elizabeth, what is happening?

Miss Elizabeth: Quiet. I'll explain soon.

Helspont: What is this? What foolish trick are you playing?
Miss Elizabeth: Excuse me?

Helspont: She isn't here. Where is Maleficent?

Miss Elizabeth: Well, that can't be! This is her prison. She should be here. Angela, we must alert the After Life. She escaped.
Helspont: Is this some trick? If so, I will destroy you where you stand.

Angela: You'll go through me first. Trust me, you don't want to do that.

Helspont: I'd go through you like a flame through air.
Angela: Huh?
Helspont: Where is she?

Miss Elizabeth: I honestly do not know. I can promise you though, we will do everything we can to locate her. Please, there is no need for a war. I will find her.

Helspont: Good. I'll return again. She had better be here.
Miss Elizabeth: Yes. She will be.

Helspont leaves.

Angela: What the heck?

Miss Elizabeth: I can't explain it all right now, just get some help. We must find Maleficent.

Back at the Crystal Castle replica...

Ed: (talks to himself) Man I am so freakin bored! Nothing ever happens here anymore now that Miss M is back alive. I wonder if she ended up reuniting with Michelangelo. Or if she hooked up with Bruce Wayne. I really hope not. I would be so jealous. Just don't ever let her know that ok?

Maleficent: Ok.

Ed: (pops off his Panda mask) AHH! What are you doing here? What kind of twisted joke is this?

Maleficent: Would you hush! Be quiet! Foolish man in a panda suit. Come on, let me inside this pink monstrosity for awhile. I need your help.

Ed: I can't help you. No way no how. You are evil. You shouldn't even be here, aren't you supposed to be locked up?

Maleficent: Please. My prison was hardly that. I enjoy letting others think they have me bound. I am far too powerful to ever truly be a prisoner. I just couldn't stay there any longer. I am being hunted.

Ed: Wait, who would be dumb enough to hunt you?

Maleficent: These people aren't dumb. They are in charge of the universe.
Ed: Huh?

Maleficent: They have infinite powers that would make your head spin.

Ed: (prepares to put Panda mask back on, like a familiar blanket) So they want you?

Maleficent: Yes. I did something that I wasn't supposed to do, now they wish to make me pay.

Ed: Well, you can't stay here. I'm not getting involved in your sordid drama. Nope. Not one bit. I'm just gonna chill here in my big pink house in my fluffy panda suit and wait for the girl of my dreams to die.

Maleficent: If you don't help me, Miss M will be in danger.
Ed: What? What do you know about Miss M being in danger?

Maleficent: When I brought Miss M back to life on Earth, I set forth a ripple in the cosmos. Now I am being hunted down to pay for that crime against the universe. They will want me and they will also want her.

Ed: But M didn't do anything. She only wanted to live her life.

Maleficent: Her life was over. She was meant to stay in the After Life. If these people find me, they will then have a supreme magical link to find her. And once they find her... I can assure you her fate will be far worse than what they plan to do to me.

Ed: Oh no. I don't want anyone hurting her.

Maleficent: So help me. Let's work together to make sure Miss M has a bright future.

Ed: Ok. I'll help her. What do we do?

Maleficent: I need to hide out here. Keep me hidden. People will be asking you where I am. In fact I'm fully certain the entire After Life is on lock-down since I'm no longer in my cell. It doesn't matter though. Just keep me hidden from the wrong eyes. I'll devise a plan and make this nightmare go away. Can you do that?

Ed: Yeah, I'll do it. Not for you though, for her. Always for her. I won't let anything bad happen to Miss M.

Far away from the After Life and among the gleaming stars rests the heart of the universe!

Lady Kale: The solar system looks nice during this cycle, doesn't it?

She-Ra: I suppose so. Did you bring me a pet to play with?

Bull Alien: HISS!

Lady Kale: Careful She-Ra, my dear little pet is hungry. He loves to devour flying unicorns. Do you wish to know his favorite cuts? He loves wings and thighs.
She-Ra: Where is Swift Wind?

Lady Kale: I don't know. There are things you wish to know but there are also things I wish to know as well...

She-Ra: How many times are we to go over this?

Lady Kale: You enjoy this? Do you not?

She-Ra: I don't know what you mean.

Lady Kale: This insipid game you wish to play. I have asked you numerous times to tell me what you know of Miss M. To tell me where she might be.

She-Ra: I've already told you what I know. When we were in space, I commanded her to get in the escape pod and I launched her out. I do not know where the escape pod was traveling. She could be anywhere in the solar system.

Lady Kale: You fool! You think you have outsmarted me.
She-Ra: No such thing at all. I can only say what I know. Besides, you are powerful. Why can't you focus and use your powers to find her? To watch over her.

Lady Kale: I can't you fool. Once she was brought back to life it was as if she was untraceable, which is another reason she is dangerous and must be stopped. I am one with the universe and that goes for every single movement and energy signature. Her energy signature is gone. Normally I would care not for some insignificant dork girl, but since she was tampered with by magic most foul... there is simply too much power at her grasp. And she probably doesn't even know it. Which is why I must get to her before she does. So, this is why Maleficent and Miss M will both pay for their crimes against the universe.

She-Ra: And anyone else who gets in your way huh?

Lady Kale: Of course. I have the power to remove someone from ever existing. I am meant to be the most powerful being in the universe. And I won't be usurped.

She-Ra: What if she had no reason to take over anything? What if all she wanted was to just live her life?

Lady Kale: It doesn't work that way. No one gets it all.

She-Ra: So what of me then? I can't be your prisoner forever.

Lady Kale: This is true, which is why I am feeling generous. The clock is ticking on your information. Divulge it soon or face my ultimate wrath. The clock is ticking She-Ra. Don't keep me waiting.

She-Ra: Of course not.

Later on, alone in her throne room, Lady Kale waits on word from one of her minions...

Lady Kale: How much longer must this be?

Bull Alien: HISS!

Lady Kale: Poor little alien. Don't worry. Momma will feed you soon.

Boss Face: Lady Kale, I arrive with word.

Lady Kale: Very well, what is the good word?

Boss Face: We are awaiting the arrival of Beta Phase White Star to land.

Lady Kale: Very well. 

Soon...

March 2015 Bodacious Baddie!

Horrorscope: I come with word of my travels through space Lady Kale.

Lady Kale: Did you find Miss M?

Horrorscope: I am afraid not. The Beta Phase White Star was low on fuel. I needed to return for more resources.

Lady Kale: I thought I gave you plenty?

Horrorscope: You did. I thought this would be a simple journey. However this Miss M you are looking for, she is literally a needle in a star stack. The universe is vast. 

Lady Kale: Do you think I do not know that? It was I who had a hand in creating it! 

Horrorscope: Perhaps you should have aimed smaller. This mission will take me longer.

Lady Kale: Do not dare to talk back to me! I can destroy you all with just a passing glance! Does no one get that?! I can rewrite the whole universe and no one would ever know. 

Horrorscope: (aims gun) SO then why don't you? I can always aim first though and stop you.

Lady Kale: Of course not. Don't be a fool. Besides, by rewriting everything... there's no telling what would happen. I could lose everything. Which is why we must find that Miss M person!

Horrorscope: Very well. I shall return to my adventures.

Lady Kale: Where will you go next?

Horrorscpe: My plan is to find a special orb in the rings of Saturn. That should help enhance my powers as well as giving my ship the boost it needs.

Lady Kale: This sounds like further delays.

Horrorscope: Do you want this Miss M found? I take that as a yes. If so, let me do my job. 

Lady Kale: Very well. In the mean time I have other people helping me to locate not just Miss M but Maleficent as well.

Horrorscope: As you will it to be Lady Kale. We will win. 

Lady Kale: Safe travels Horrorscope.

Horrorscope: Always.

Horrorscope leaves.

Boss Face: Helspont should be arriving soon. 

Lady Kale: Good, we need something to change in our favor.

Lady Kale: Before I can breathe I must first take away that which is most important. As it has always been written in the stars from my own hand. One will soon be no more. 

To be continued!

Up next! It will be the 499th post on Diary of a Dorkette! And it will be a lead in to the epic 500th post as well as details on the epic giveaway for my way of saying a big thank you for always being great folks to know and converse with. Be back soon!