December 2015 Heroic Hottie

Space Data, Loop 544

My fellow travelers and I are racing through space to make it to Earth in time. I've found myself on a mission to stop something awful from happening. I don't know all the details except that my fellow travelers are trying to prevent their dystopian future from happening. It all involves a powerful cosmic force known as Lady Kale and a pale dork girl form Earth.

Samus

Glo: Can this ship go any faster? Shouldn't it have light speed capabilities?

Samus: This is not Star Wars or Star Trek.

Sulu: Please, let us not debate the merits of the Stars. How much longer?

Samus: I'm hurrying as fast as I can.

Glo: We can make this work. I believe we will save Miss M and the future of Earth.

Deadpool: Riiight. You realize this all sounds like a rip off of X-Men right? And what's up with Miss M reusing this play set for everything?

Samus: Gah! Ship, go on autopilot!
Glo: I thought we were the only ones on this ship?
Sulu: Haven't we been through enough?

Samus: Who are you? How did you get on my ship?

Deadpool: Oh I'm like an STD. I get around pretty easy and once I'm here, you'll need some heavy duty stuff to pry me off.

Deadpool: Now, where were we?

On Earth,

Lady Kale: Please don't take this personally. I really want to like you. In fact, had you not come back to life we probably would have been friends.
Miss M: I doubt that. We come from two different worlds.

Lady Kale: Very true. I was only trying to be nice.

Miss M: You call all what you've done nice?

Lady Kale: Look, I didn't break the laws of the universe. You died. And you came back. I was on a search for you, and was soon made aware of your whereabouts. So here we are, the judgement day of Starwhip, the Murderer of the Future.
Miss M: I have done nothing wrong.

Miss M: And read my lips, my name is Miss M. Not Starwhip.

Lady Kale: Well yes and no. You've done plenty wrong. As for the name, Starwhip is what the cosmos call you. You murder the future. That's why Maleficent has to pay too, it's her irresponsibility with magic that truly created this mess.

Miss M: So then do it already! Wipe me away like you did that She-Ra woman or just kill me like you did my baby.

Lady Kale: Why can't you follow along? I can erase people with my bare hands, don't you think I would have erased you by now? I can't! I've been toying around lately with what I'll do to you.
Miss M: You have mentioned erasing the world around me.

Lady Kale: I have. It seems like a rather devilish plan. However you have put me through so much that I want your ending to be a slow and painful one. There are many ways to erase something and I don't even need to lift a finger.

Miss M: What are you going to do?
Lady Kale: I'm going to unleash my babies upon this foolish planet. They'll erase it all their own. It'll be perfect and it will indirectly rid the universe of you too.
Miss M: I don't think so.

Lady Kale: Well I do! With everything and everyone you've ever loved being taken from you, you'll cease to exist. The universe will find its balance again.

Miss M: Why can't you just start everything from the beginning again? Take away all the pain you have caused.

Lady Kale: Nah. I'd rather watch you find a way to strive in a world with no one in it.

Lady Kale: (looks up to the heavens) Now, my poor sweet babies, give everyone hugs.

Lady Kale calls forth her babies, tons of deadly Xenomorphs!

Lady Kale: Farewell Starwhip, Murderer of the Future.

Miss M: That's not my damn name!

Batman: M, we've got a big problem.

Miss M: We always have a big problem.

Brandine: I hope tha liqueur store is open. I need some hooch.

Storm: By the goddess! What are these creatures? Could they be related to the Brood?

Storm: To me my X-Men! I can't do this on my own!

Leon: Why am I always in these situations?

April: Isn't this some crap? Are you getting the story?

Chris: A little busy here.

Chris: Their heads are surprisingly hard.

April: Where's M?

Billy: It'd be nice if this story had more Power Rangers.

Chris: No it wouldn't.

Maleficent: Where did your friends go to?
Catwoman: The Cat Ladies went to get help.

Catwoman: We'll get a team together to stop this.
Maleficent: Enjoy that, there's a bull alien behind you by the way.

Catwoman grunts in pain as she is rammed by the bull alien!

Catwoman: Damn it! That hurt!

Catwoman: All right, I see how this is going down.

Catwoman: I wonder if you can be tamed.

Catwoman: It's like riding a bike, right?

Catwoman: Stay still! My goodness do they all look like gross dicks?

Catowman: Ahh, there you go. Now come on, let's ride!

Catwoman and the bull alien ride off into the sunset.

Miss Elizabeth: I'm going to the ruins of Wayne Manor! We'll ward off these things.

Batman: Look after Alfred!

Miss M: Please don't leave to the After Life, not until we can say goodbye to Yvie.

Miss Elizabeth: Of course, now go and help everyone.

Miss M looks at her friends, all in grave danger.

Sure her friends can hold their own, but for how long?

How long can any of them keep fighting wave after wave of vile creatures?

At some point all things have to come to an end.

Maleficent: Hurry, in here.
Miss M: My friends! We need to keep helping the city!
Batman: M, we don't have time.

Miss M: There's always time! These aliens are going to destroy us all!

Maleficent: Pay no attention to them, they're just smoke and mirrors. The bigger threat is Lady Kale and she left for Dimension Z, which is where you are going M. Now let's hurry inside somewhere safe.

Inside,

Miss M: I'm not going to Dimension Z. I am needed here!

Maleficent: You are needed there now stop being stupid. I've arranged for people to be there waiting for you.

Miss M: Are you going with me?

Maleficent: My magic is needed here. Those fools out there won't be able to get rid of those damn bugs. Go and fix this Miss M.

Batman: I'm going with her.

Maleficent: (sighs) Not in that tired old suit you are. You two don't realize where Dimension Z is. It's the end of the line. Here, you should both look the part.

A few magic moments later,

Maleficent: There. Much better. You're ready to take on Lady Kale. Those suits will further protect you or at the very least slow any harmful attacks.

Miss M: Ok. I really like the pink. I also feel so tall! How fun.

Batman: Are you ready for this?

Miss M: Yes. Let's wrap this up.

Miss M: For the honor of All My Toys,

Miss M: We are all plastic!

Maleficent: We have no hope.

Maleficent: I can hear you. You're right behind me aren't you?

Maleficent: There you are.

Maleficent stands tall as death approaches.

In Dimension X,

Ed: So... can you help us?

Star Magic Spells: Yes. I have the key to Dimension Z. You are but a magical moment away from the end of the universe.

Ed: Who knew it'd just be the end of the alphabet. (snickers)

Star Magic Spells: You're corny.

Ed: Sorry.
Oola: Ok, so let's get going.

Ed: Actually Oola, I'm going alone.
Oola: What?! No, I have to go with you.

Ed: I know. And you'd totally make a great addition on this adventure, but it's like the magical rag doll said, this will be the end of the universe. Chances are I'm not coming back and since we're both dead and far from the After Life... I don't know what will happen. I could cease to exist. I don't want that for you. You're finally free, you deserve to have your own story and not be some object strapped to a horny sleazy blob that eventually gets spoofed as a pizza chain.

Oola: I don't understand what you are talking about.

Ed: It's all good. I just really want you to go out on your own. There's no telling how long any of us have left in the universe, but if there is a chance that things work out, you could be free.

Oola: I don't know anyone here. If you leave I'll be alone. Please, let me go with you.

Ed: I can't. If something happens in Dimension Z, I'd really hate myself. You've been through enough.

Oola: I don't like this! I feel like decisions regarding my life are being made without me!

Ed: Sorry. It's just what feels like the best thing. Oola will be safe here, right?

Star Magic Spells: As safe as she can be. I doubt Krang and his creatures will come back here for awhile.

Ed: Great. Hang out here and hopefully I'll be back and this will all just be a great end to a convoluted tale.

Oola: Whatever. Do what you must, but if you come back and I'm gone...

Ed: I'll understand. You've been a great friend. Ok, I'm off!

Moments later,

Star Magic Spells: You aren't really going anywhere are you?

Oola: No. Where would I go? He's the only friend I have. I guess I'm just going to wait and see what happens. It's better than being eaten alive.

Star Magic Spells: I can't argue with that.

In Dimension Z,

Miss M: Here we are, the end of the alphabet.

Batman: Corniest joke ever M.

Miss M: Oh come on, there needs to be some humor. We're in over our heads. I'm the queen of corny comedy. I mean look at me. I'm in some loud pink body suit with jewels everywhere. None of this makes any sense.

Batman: This is true.
Miss M: You look very handsome though. It's nice to see your face in the suit.

Batman: Thank you. Hey, isn't that your friend?

Miss M: Glimmer?! What are you doing here? And with Velvet Sky too?
Glimmer: M?! Oh my goodness!

Miss M: Glimmer, you died. Why are you here? (sighs) No offense, but Velvet Sky is like the worst company ever.

Velvet Sky: Excuse me!

Glimmer: I can understand. We've been held hostage here. I almost died. I couldn't handle being diagnosed with TOYS so I decided to drive off a cliff. In the process I ran Velvet Sky over. We both drove off the cliff and should have died.

Velvet Sky: We were then transported here as prisoners of Lady Kale. She wanted us to tell her where you were.

Miss M: That explains why Lady Kale found me on Earth. I can't believe you Velvet Sky! You are always right there to screw my life up!

Velvet Sky: Speak for yourself. I didn't rat out your whereabouts.

Miss M: What? Glimmer, what is this trashy chick talking about?
Glimmer: I'm so sorry. Lady Kale was going to kill us and I realized I didn't want to die after all. I want to live. Even if I have TOYS. I'm so sorry. I told her where she could find you.

Miss M: Glimmer, no.

Glimmer: Please accept my apology.
Miss M: I've lost so much.

Glimmer: M, you have to understand.
Miss M: Leave me alone, the both of you.

Velvet Sky: Fine by me. We were just leaving anyway. We're getting out of this stupid place finally. You coming Glimmer?
Glimmer: No, I am going to stay here with M. I'll help you.

Miss M: I don't want your help. Leave me alone.

Glimmer: M...

Miss M: Just leave!

Velvet Sky: Come on Glimmer, our window of escape is getting smaller and smaller.

Velvet Sky and Glimmer rush off. Tears stream down Glimmer's face.

Batman: Are you ok?
Miss M: No. I just found out my friend told that crazy Lady Kale where I was on Earth.

Batman: Yeah but Glimmer's life was on the line.

Miss M: Look, I can't deal with the intricacies of life or death choices! We need to find Lady Kale and finish this damn mess of a tale! It's gone on long enough.

Batman: I agree, but you just let your friend run off with one of your biggest enemies.
Miss M: At this point I have no friends. And the only enemy in my way is Lady Kale.

Jana: You have me in your way too.

Miss M: Who are you?

Jana: I'm the right arm to the Lady Kale machine. You aren't getting to her.

Miss M: Oh yes I am.

Jana strikes Miss M with invisible lightning bolts!

Quickly dodging the invisible bolts, Miss M breathes a sigh of relief that her suit can protect her.

Charging Miss M, Jana screams a loud banshee wail that echos through the cosmos.

Miss M manages to shove Jana off her.

Pressing down on her neck, Miss M screams as she shoves Jana out into the deep cold of the universe.

Jana floats away trying to scream.

Batman: Wow. Are you ok? You just destroyed her.

Miss M: Bruce, what is happening to me? I feel this energy flowing through my body, like my insides are on fire.

Batman: It's going to be ok. Come on, just breathe.

Lady Kale: Maybe you ate something spicy? I've heard when you dream on acid reflux you dream in color.
Miss M: Yeah, acid reflux is really scary stuff. I have strange dreams when I eat hot foods but I didn't have anything to eat yet.

Lady Kale: Maybe you should just stuff your face with a fist sandwich?

Miss M: Oh I've never heard of that before. Is it a good sandwich?

Lady Kale: I can get you one.
Miss M: Oh my goodness, how sweet. (pauses) Hey!! Wait a second! We aren't friends.

Lady Kale: That's right, we aren't. You just don't give up do you?

Miss M: No, not when it comes to my life and the life of my friends.

Lady Kale: So here you are in your special garish pink suit. Thinking you'll use some latent powers to stop me. You're in my neck of the universe.

Lady Kale: And...

Lady Kale: Nothing...

Lady Kale: Can stop me!

Batman: M!

Lady Kale: She'll be all right.

Miss M: My suit!

Lady Kale: Let's see you do something now, sad little dork girl.

What will Miss M do next? Find out with the 2015 finale of All My Toys!