Having the title of Heroic Hottie is a dubious honor. So far, 2012 has been a banner year for our favorite pieces of beefcake. For instance, I just recently got word that Fantomex (our April HH) lost his actual skin and is just hotter than ever! (Rumor has it he is even in love with a certain female ninja.)
So this month I wanted to bring forth a throwback to a simpler time. When men weren't wearing any pants, and it was perfectly legal. A time when having a pet dinosaur made all the sense in the world. With a schedule and comeback so blisteringly hot, I felt lucky to sit down with Fred Flintstone at one of his favorite bowling alleys to discuss being a Heroic Hottie, energy efficient cars, and umm... the Mutant Liberation Front? Hold on folks, this is going to be an interesting interview.
Diary of a Dorkette: (after watching Fred bowl a strike) Do you always play with such a big ball?
Fred Flintstone: My lucky rock ball never misses a pin.
Diary: How many lanes have you damaged throughout your bowling past time?
Fred: A few. Ever since the family name became so prominent though, most bowling alleys really make sure to take care of me. Right when they see me coming, they get my special lane ready.
Diary: Prehistorically speaking, your family name has proven to be a hot ticket item. From a hit television series to movies, not counting all the merchandise, the Flintstones name has garnered an impressive net worth. What do you contribute to all that success?
Fred: That's pretty simple Miss M. The Flintstones were the first animated prime time family. Had we not been so beloved, do you really think other iconic families would have followed? Check out the Simpsons for example. Homer and I bowl in this very alley from time to time, and he is always thanking me for paving the way. Our wives both wear iconic jewelry. We both work for one helluva boss. We even have close friends named Barney. When I look at Homer, I see myself; aged and balding. And wearing pants. I think we both know who won that round.
Diary: Some would say though, that the Flintstones have had a tough time staying relevant.
Fred: Come on. Relevant? Who is posing as the October Heroic Hottie? I don't see Homer standing around belching it up for the camera.
Diary: Speaking of the Heroic Hottie title, you have never looked better.
Fred: Well thank you. I attribute my good looks to going pantsless. Really, nothing is more freeing. And it keeps you feeling so young. I've tried to get Charlie Sheen to follow the lead and get the trend going, but he looks at me like I'm crazy.
Diary: Aside from good looks, you also have an amazing wife. What is the secret to your marriage with Wilma?
Fred: Going pantless! Yabba Dabba Do! All jokes aside, Wilma and I have stayed together for so long because i truly love and respect her. She has put up with a lot of my crap and together we've worked on a great deal. I've been called a caveman and hot headed, but my heart is always in the right place.
Diary: How is Pebbles? (Pebbles is Fred and Wilma's daughter and also a prominent business mogul with her own line of breakfast, snack foods, and vitamins. She has one of the biggest lifestyle brands in the world.)
Fred: That kid is brilliant. She's got her name plastered on cereal boxes and snacks. She has her own line of costumes. She has also continued to employ her old dad for the commercials.
Diary: There was a rumor that Pebbles was actually going to fire you and your friend Barney from any new commercial material. There was talk of taking the brand in a new direction. Care to comment?
Fred: No, because it just simply isn't true. Pebbles may have a cereal named after her, but Barney and I are the face of Bedrock's number one cereal export.
Diary: And what of Dino?
Fred: (Getting slightly emotional) Dino had to be put to be put down a few years ago. He was the most loyal house pet. Wilma and I donated his bones to the Smithsonian.
Diary: Sad to hear, but I am glad he is a part of history now. What else is going on? Any new projects?
Fred: Well, I am working on something very exciting. General Motors is trying to make the next line of fuel free cars that will run on a whole new form of energy. GM has tapped me to be the brains of this operation. I know a thing or two about running a fuel free car!
Diary: That could be very interesting. You were also linked recently to a political figure who was making some negative waves with the mutant community. Can you talk about that?
Fred: Sure thing. Listen, I've been politically correct for far too long. I can't stand by and watch this world of ours devolve into a mutant loving planet. What's next? She-Ra and her friends getting a comeback? I detest mutants. I think their lifestyle is abhorrent and they should be stopped. Just look what happened recently with the Phoenix Five! Mutants are a menace to society.
Diary: This is fairly shocking to hear. I had no idea you were so opinionated.
Fred: Well I am. I helped build this country from the bedrock up and I refuse to see the world turn to shit over some lousy mutants.
Diary: Aren't you concerned about the impact these comments will have towards a group of people who just want to have the same rights and liberties as you or I?
Fred: Rights? Screw rights. That stuff needs to be earned. Rights are not some entitlement. I'm not concerned about the rights of mutants.
Diary: (Noticing something is off) Mr. Flintstone, I have never in all my years as a respected journalist heard such hateful things! I bet April O'Neil never had to deal with this. (Editor's Note- April had to actually deal with worse, namely Shredder and the Foot Clan.)
(Another Editor's Note: At this point in the interview, Fred Flintstone became very... different.)
Diary: Would you like some water? Your eyes... They don't look good. (At this point during the interview, Fred Flintstone shifts into someone else.) Mystique!!!!
Mystique: Pathetic girl with your asinine questioning. You just had to bring up the mutant question, didn't you?
Diary: I don't understand. Why were you posing as Fred Flintstone?
M: Oh you stupid Homo sapien. We are in an election year, and I love nothing more than creating some controversy. I've been posing as many people saying all kinds of crazy things and making people look weird and tired in all types of debates, interviews, and other social interactions.
Diary: Why do all this? Why bring down your own kind?
M: Because! My kind is just getting started. With the recent new mutant births thanks to the Phoenix Five debacle, I have even more new mutants to recruit. What better way to get rid of Homo sapien so that Homo superior can rule the world? Riling up as many mutants as possible will only lead to mutants striking out against those who hate us. Humans need to pay for their actions. Mutants are back and we are going to take this world for our own.
Diary: You do realize you are spreading this message to a website of only, like, two readers right?
M: It makes no difference. More will soon see my message. Besides, I grow tired of these boring male hotties you fawn over every month. You need to let the world see what a real bad ass looks like.
Diary: I'm beginning to see why Rogue wants nothing to do with you.
M: Watch your tongue dorkette! I don't care what you think. When mutants finally take their rightful place in this world, that will be all I need. Scott Summers will forever be a loser to me, but his recent actions have now given me an army!
(In a matter of seconds Mystique is gone. Miss M then makes a cryptic phone call.)
Diary: Wolverine? This is Miss M. Hey, I'm in a bind. I just lost my Heroic Hottie, you doing anything? Would you like to be the October Heroic Hottie? No, it will not be a private nude photo shoot... Ok. I understand. Maybe next time... Oh, and by the way, I think Mystique is coming for you. Well, you see it all started with bowling..."
There you have it folks. An all new October Heroic Hottie, in what has got to be the strangest interview ever. Enjoy and if anyone hears from the real Fred Flintstone, I hope he is alright. For now you can find Fred and his other cartoon colleagues in figure form by Jazwares at your local Toysrus store. Hope all is well, until next time!
Tee Hee Hee :DReplyDelete
lol A mess. I know. lolDelete
Mystique totally fooled us all! lol.ReplyDelete
She is really good at doing that. ; ) lolDelete
NICE! Like that Mystique figure, she certainly has some big guns....ReplyDelete
Oh that is nothing. She comes with two more and they are much bigger.Delete
Wow I guess I really have shifted over to the DC side of things because I am really behind on anything going on in the world of X-men. I was lost on the whole Phoenix 5 thing.ReplyDelete
But I hope when the real Fred Flintstone stands up we find out that Dino is alive and well and living in Bedrock.
Since we were discussing Adam's Family the other day I should point out that Funco has an excellent looking couple of figures for the Gruesomes-Bedrocks version of the Adam's Family- I don't believe they have any Frankentones figures sadly (I guess they would have been Bedrock's Munter's)
I feel honored to be one of your blog's "Two readers" -although since three people have commented so far that means including me you just got bumped up to four! yabba dabba doo for you!
Yeah there have been some major changes in the world of Marvel. Interesting changes. I am curious to see where things go.Delete
I'm sure Dino isn't chillin in the Smithsonian. That would just be so wrong. And i will need to check out the Funko Gruesomes, that sounds really cool!
And four aint bad! lol
-yeah, why would Dino be dead but Fred still be alive? I'm a big ass Hanna Barbera fan so I care about things like this-may Dino "Rarr-rar-rar-rar-ra-ra-rah!" as a living member of the Flintstones for as long as cartoons live-which I believe is forever, unless they come in contact with Christopher Lloyd with a big can of green stuff.ReplyDelete
But I don't wanna hate mystique, because I always felt the whole mutant liberation aspect of X-men made the villains -or at least the main ones-similar to Malcolm X(funny cuz the name X and all-even though the prof is more like Martin Luthor King and Magneto is the real Malcolm X kinda guy)and that's probably why-no matter how much I want to-for him taking all the credit from Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko-or at least taking some of the money that should be owed to them-I can't even dislike Stan Lee-and I can't not think he is a genius. I just wish some of the other guys got the mainstream credit he gets all the time.
But in TV news -did you see Kelly Hu on Arrow this week? Not bad work though we don't know her whole characters story yet. And I got my compilation of old-school Silver Age Green Arrow in the mail, so it is going to be a bit weird reading them while watching the show. I am already through a bunch(they are fast to get through as -I believe for most of his early life the Arrow served as a backup feature-so his stories are very short.)I'm not sure if you know this aspect of him or not but he did start out as a bit of a Batman rip-off. Rich guy, secret identity, had a young ward(not for gay reasons no matter what "funny" people want to say)had an "Arrow Car" kinda like the "Batmobile"-DC was reaching in the late 40's and early 50's, but they ended up with a pretty great character over time. Especially if you've ever read the Green Lantern Green Arrow crossover books from the 70's.
He really did become like a liberal crusader for the underclass- a veritable Robin Hood!
and I'm sorry miss M-but I believe he has had enough toys made of him at this time-he warrants a "Heroic Hottie" Column. You know he does! You probably just don;t have any of the toys!
Well of course Dino is not dead! How could Dino be gone but not the Flintstones? No, Mystique was just talking crazy smack. lolDelete
And I love the whole premise behind the X-Men. It just makes for a really great storyline. Unlike most super heroes, the X-Men are misunderstood and live in a world where they are hated and hunted down. Plus the X-Men has some really strong female characters that get their chances at some great story.
I have not seen the latest Arrow yet, but I do know some things. He was meant to be a reflection of the times, the writers gave him edgier stories to reflect what was going on in society at the time, like him helping the underserved and what not. He was in a way the voice of a newer generation that was looking at the world differently form those who had grown up with the older super heroes. And he should be a Heroic Hottie, but you hit the nail on the head. I do not have any figures of him! lol But keep telling me how the older comics are, I bet they are good.
If you've noticed Mystique is just Madame Hydra being repainted, but I like her better being in this body mold than Madame H. ...and her guns are just too many! Too many to share it with the other Marvel Legends figures I got. XDReplyDelete
Yes Mystique uses the same repaint as Madame Hydra and most of the same reused parts for Madame Masque too. I think Hasbro will reuse most of these parts for other female characters as well, though the White Phoeniz figure they showed at NYCC looks to be showing some new parts.Delete