Wednesday, November 27, 2013

What a Twerkin Turkey!

The League of Extraordinary Bloggers has but one simple topic to address this week:

What a Turkey!

This is a great topic because it means I get to unleash a very special Thanksgiving Day special! Dress for the dorkiness folks and click below!

Miss M Presents:
What a Twerkin Turkey!

As the day begins, Miss M and her friends the Ninja Turtles prepare to celebrate a dorky Thanksgiving in the Sewer Lair! As everyone gets busy on their roles for the holiday, Miss M hears curses from outside the Lair. She goes to investigate...

April: This damn contraption! I'd kill this damn turkey all over again if it wasn't already dead.
Miss M: April, are you ok? Do you need help?

April: What do you think?
Miss M: What are you doing?
April: I'm trying to fry a twerkin turkey.
Miss M: What's a twerkin turkey? Like, do they make the turkeys twerk to fluff them up before death?
April: What in the hell goes through your mind? No. I'm saying twerkin turkey because I'm trying to curse less. Believe me, I'd rather be saying another word to describe this... turkey. (breathes) Calm April. Stay calm.

Miss M: I got ya. Let's try to calm down though, hm?
April: I can't calm down! This is an important Thanksgiving and I have to somehow find a way to fry this... (sighs) turkey.
Miss M: I didn't know you could cook!

April: Does it look like I know how to cook? I'm in Versace, M. The mere fact that I'm standing outside is a holiday miracle in itself, and I only reserve those miracles for Halloween.
Miss M: I got ya, but maybe we could find someone else to fry the bird. Where is Casey Jones?
April: (casually shrugs) He and Leonardo left to find some brisket.
Miss M: Oh that sounds so good! I am so craving some brisket.
April: What the hell? You don't like the idea of my fried turkey or something? 

Miss M: Well... not really. I've never really been a big fan of turkey. It tastes like Diet Chicken.

April: Get away from my fryer. Who says that turkey tastes like Diet Chicken? It's not a soda M.
Miss M: I know, but turkey just has a funny taste, is all. 
April: Look. Ever since Casey and I remarried I have been making it a point to be a better wife. Usually I'd just order take out and call it a damn day, but I want this Thanksgiving to be special.
Miss M: And it will be. Besides, I think I heard Raphael talking about ordering pizzas for Thanksgiving dinner.
April: (increases the sound of her voice) The hell! I will go H.A.M. on all of you. We are not ordering pizzas. I'm going to fry this turkey while dressed in Versace and we are going to have the perfect Thanksgiving.
Miss M: (looks scared) Ok. Ok. I support you. I'm gonna go inside now.

Miss M carefully walks away as April issues out a string of expletives. Inside the Sewer Lair, Miss M bumps into Splinter.

Splinter: Ah yes, there you are Miss M. I've got it on Channel 6. General Hospital will be on soon. Are you ready for a Thanksgiving Day Soap-a-thon?
Miss M: Oh yes Splinter! I am so ready for some good soap watching. 

Splinter: Yes, me too my dear. I wonder if Patrick will marry Sabrina before finding out that his dead wife is still alive. And what do you think of A.J? Did he really kill Connie?
Miss M: Oh heavens no Splinter! A.J. didn't do it. I bet it was that rich mob bitch Ava Jerome of the Jerome crime family. She had Connie's murder all over her hands! Don't you think?
Splinter: I do Miss M, I do. I can't tell you how nice it is to have a fellow soap fan in the house. This is truly a wondrous Thanksgiving. I'm gonna go check on the TV.
Miss M: Ok.

Splinter walks away as Miss M hears two Turtles approaching.

Donatello: This is beneath you Raph. I was supposed to find that sword in the Column of 'LeArr Ark. 
Raphael: You snooze you lose. 
Miss M: What are you two fighting about?

Donatello: We've been playing this video game called World of Bioshock Age Effect. 
Raphael: Yeah, and Don can't handle that I'm pretty good at a crappy video game.
Donatello: You aren't even a gamer! You scoff at everything! That Grymlocke Sword was all mine!
Raphael: Tough turkey leg dude.

Donatello and Raphael walk off bickering in a brotherly way. 

Miss M: Well, have fun! Wait, I wonder where my boyfriend is...

Just then, Michelangelo shows up.

Michelangelo: Hey M. Wow, you look tubular. A total babe.
Miss M: (blushes) Thanks Michelangelo. You look very handsome, as always.
Michelangelo: So I was thinking... wanna have some fun?
Miss M: (smiles) What did you have in mind? 

Michelangelo: A quick game of Zombies Ate My Neighbors?
Miss M: Oh my goodness, that sounds like pure perfection. But we can't.
Michelangelo: Why not?
Miss M: Your brothers are embroiled in some game of their own.
Michelangelo: Hm. We'll just have to play later dorkette. Where's everyone else?
Miss M: Splinter is watching soaps, April's having issues with the turkey, and Casey is getting some food with Leonardo.
Michelangelo: Gnarly.

Suddenly, a new guest arrives for Thanksgiving: Storm!

Storm: Greetings my dear friend!

Miss M: Storm! What are you doing here?
Michelangelo: Hey Storm. Bitchin hair.

Storm: Why thank you Michelangelo. I am happy to be here. I was just up the sewer having an early meal with the Morlocks. I thought I'd drop by. I haven't gotten the chance to catch up with M in awhile. What's been going on?
Miss M: Everything and the kitchen sink. Believe me. I'm so happy to see you.

Video games become boring as Donatello and Raphael find themselves in the presence of a goddess.

Donatello: Whoa. It's Storm from the X-Men.
Raphael: She is an image of beauty. I can't believe I'm actually saying that.
Miss M: That certainly is not like you. (whispers to Michelangelo) Looks like we're free to play some Zombies Ate My Neighbors now...

Meanwhile, back outside...

April: Curse you! Curse you, you stupid twerkin turkey! Crap. I want to cuss so bad right now...

Before the words can flow freely, April looks up as her hubby and Leonardo arrive.

April: Hey guys. Where's the brisket?
Casey: The meat market was sold out and the other stores in the area were already closing up for the holiday.
Leonardo: Yeah.
April: That's a shame.

Casey: Yeah, but it's a good thing you are planning on frying a turkey.
Leonardo: Exactly. Fried turkey sounds so good.
April: (panics) Right. I'm right on top of that Rose.
Casey: What? Who is Rose?
April: (shakes her head quickly) Nothing! Nothing at all! Now listen guys, I have got to finish frying this turkey! So why don't you run inside and grab a beer or something. Watch the football game or whatever it is that can keep you busy.
Leonardo: We won't be able to watch the game. It's 1:00 o'clock. Master Splinter is watching his stories.
April: (ushers them away) Well go watch them with him! Get interested in some soaps. I'll let you know when it's ready.

Casey kisses April before heading into the Sewer Lair with Leonardo.

April: This is bullshit! Why can't this turkey fry already? I'm outside in Versace and I'm starting to smell like nature. I need a Turkey Miracle. 

April shakes her head while focusing on what to do. She is a world renowned journalist, surely she can figure out how to fry a turkey. Suddenly the dawn creeps up on her as she realizes that the turkey fryer is not plugged in.

April: Oh. Hell. No. You have got to be kidding me! FU-(a loud car speeds by)-ING TURKEY!

Enraged that the fryer is not plugged in, April kicks it a few times.

April: Take that you stupid ass fryer! I can't take this!

With one last good kick, April looks on in terror as the fryer tips over spilling raw turkey and fryer juice all over the ground.

April: Oh shit! No! No! Oh my goodness there is Turkey liquid-goo everywhere! This is not happening. Please, I can't have this happen right now. I just can't. (talks to herself) Come on April. Think, think.

April: I am running out of ideas. I just ruined Thanksgiving. Oh my twerkin turkey, I killed Thanksgiving. I killed the American dream. 

April: (realizes a new plan) Wait. Oh yes, this makes perfect sense. I know just who to call to help me out of this.

April makes a quick phone call summoning her personal assistant: Guy Friday. He arrives in thirty minutes.

April: Look, I know this is your holiday too, and the quicker you can help me fix this mess the sooner you can go back to your family.
Guy Friday: I actually don't have any family here. I was actually sitting around playing World of Bioshock Age Effect.
April: Oh. That's sad.
Guy Friday: It's ok. 
April: All right, well, if you can help me fix this you are free to stay.
Guy Friday: Cool.

April and Guy Friday figure out a way out of the mess.

April: There. We've hidden the fryer and disposed of the body, now we are in the clear.
Guy Friday: Except there's one problem. What do we do about food? The turkey is gone.
April: Shit! I hadn't thought that far ahead.

April and Guy Friday both jump as they suddenly find themselves with company.

April: Oh no.
Miss M: Hey Guy Friday! I didn't know you'd be here. What's going on?

Michelangelo: Yeah. We've been getting the side dishes ready, but we're missing the turkey. Is it done yet?
Guy Friday: (ready to confess) Actually...

April: (full of smiles, she elbows Guy Friday and whispers) Quiet you! Snitches get stitches.

Guy Friday remains quiet as an awkward silence fills the air.

Miss M: So... um... is it me or does it smell like raw Diet Chicken out here?
April: Yeah. I don't know. Um... How is General Hospital?
Miss M: It ended a long time ago. April, is everything ok?
April: Of course!

Casey: April, something doesn't sound right. Are you sure everything is ok? Where is the fryer?

April: (thinking quickly) Someone stole it! It was Shredder! That bodacious baddie just drove up and took the fryer and the turkey! I think we should all pass on Thanksgiving and get revenge instead!
Guy Friday: (whispers) Boss lady, I think this is becoming a mess.
April: (whispers back) I know what I'm doing!

Michelangelo: That's funny. Why would Shredder want to steal a turkey? I guess we could go crush some Foot. I was kinda hungry for turkey though...

April: Well, sometimes the call of being a hero just prevails right? Justice never takes a holiday! And all that jazz.

Miss M: April, you're lying.
April: I am not!
Miss M: Yes, you are. I know you, whenever you say 'all that jazz' that usually means you are nervous. What's going on?

April: Fine! Fine! I screwed up, ok? I kicked the damn fryer over and ruined the turkey. I called my Guy Friday over here to help me dispose of the damn twerkin turkey and now there's nothing but turkey juice on the ground. I obliterated Thanksgiving. Are you all satisfied? I ruined Thanksgiving in Versace no less. 
Miss M: Oh April... it's really ok.
April: No it's not! Don't give me that look with those wide eyes. That may work on your boyfriend, but it won't work on me! This Thanksgiving was gonna be the year that I really proved I could truly do it all! I was going to look fabulous while cooking a complicated meal and being a great wife! We were going to have the perfect Thanksgiving and now... well... now I just screwed everything up.
Casey: I forgot how marriage affects you. Hon, listen to M. It's ok. 
April: You all need to just leave me alone.

Splinter: My dear April, please, look at me. I'm a talking rat that lives in a sewer. I have cable access and Soap Net. Nothing could ruin this holiday for me. It doesn't matter if we have the turkey or not. What matters most is that we are celebrating with the people we care about and being thankful that we're here in good health. My dear, let's all take a deep breath and just enjoy this moment. For we do not know when it could be our last.

Everyone reflects on Thanksgiving and what they all mean to each other. Miss M starts to cry.

April: Oh why do you have to be such a hot mess!
Miss M: Because I am a hot mess. I'm just emotional. I love you guys so much. This is all stuff that can be easily resolved.
April: You think so?
Miss M: Yeah. I do.

With everyone calm and rational, the group looks at each other.

April: Ok, we've had our kumbayas, but what do we do about food? We need to be able to eat something.

Guy Friday: I've got an idea!

Guy Friday quickly exits and in a few moment's time returns with a feast for the ages...

Cookies, burgers, wine, and cola are in display on one end...

... while fresh hot pizza is on the other!

Guy Friday: There ya go. I know the owner of Antonio's personally and he always gives me extra supplies that I end up freezing. This cola was gonna be used for a lunch meeting next week, but we can always buy more. The cookies were easy, who doesn't have cookie mix in their house? As for the burgers, well, some places just happen to be open no matter what. There ya go, Thanksgiving is saved!

As the group gathers to give their thanks and celebrate in the excitement of all the food, the dorkiest Thanksgiving ever commences!

Endless chatter is interspersed with the sounds of eating and merriment.

The holiday goes along wonderfully. Family and friends unite and enjoy each other's company.

April: I guess everything turned out all right huh?
Casey: Of course it did. And hon, please stop trying to be perfect. I love you just the way you are. 
April: I love you too Casey. What do ya say later on we cozy up and get down to...
Raphael: (interrupts loudly) Stuffing! That's what I don't like with turkey. It's the stuffing.

Donatello: Oh brother. That's the best part.
Raphael: No, this pizza is the best part. I think we need to make this the new tradition.

Storm: Goddess, look at this food. I wonder if M brought along the macarons?
Guy Friday: I think she ate them already. I saw an empty box at her desk in the office yesterday.
Storm: I should have guessed.

Splinter looks on at his family. Friends or not, everyone at the table is important to him and he couldn't be happier. Content in his silence, Splinter takes it all in, not wanting the moment to end.

Leonardo: So what's the deal? I thought we were all going to wear our samurai gear for Thanksgiving?
Raphael: Sorry bro, you were the only one that got that memo.
Leonardo: Humph.

Miss M: Well, everyone is having a great time.
Michelangelo: Totally M! Check it out, we're celebrating our first Thanksgiving!
Miss M: I know. It was everything I hoped it would be. I have lost a lot this year Michelangelo, a lot. But it's ok, because I have you and everyone else. This is the perfect Thanksgiving a dorkette could ask for. I love you Michelangelo.
Michelangelo: I love you too babe.

And with that, the crazy cast of characters proceeds to enjoy the rest of their Thanksgiving. 

All: Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


Velvet Sky: Happy Thanksgiving Hordak.
Hordak: (snorts) I don't celebrate Thanksgiving or any other holiday for that matter. They are lame and annoying.
Velvet Sky: Oh really? I guess this means you weren't invited to the huge bash at the Crystal Castle?
Hordak: Ha. If I wanted to crash that party and end that insufferable meddling She-Ra I would have. Instead there are more important things to discuss...

Velvet Sky: Yes, this is true. The plan is set in motion. You are on the schedule to be the December 2013 Bodacious Baddie. You know what to do?

Hordak: Of course I know what to do. The question is, do you?
Velvet Sky: Yes. You stall that annoying Miss M while I hatch my plan to ruin her life.
Hordak: (snorts) Pray tell dear, what will your plan be?
Velvet Sky: I've already killed her dog. I think the next step should be to kill the one person she loves most.
Hordak: You're going to kill She-Ra? My, you are determined.

Velvet Sky: No Hordak, not She-Ra. My plan is simple: I'm going to kill her love. I'm going to kill Michelangelo. And when her heart is shattered at his loss, I'm going to smile as I look her in the eyes and strangle what's left of her pathetic life. It all ends now. Miss M's done for. Happy holidays.

Velvet Sky and Hordak can only laugh in glee as they envision the next month and all the chaos that will unfold. Miss M has no idea that everything she knows is soon going to be changed forever...

Wanna know what other members of the League are talking about this week? Let's look at all the Turkey talk!

For more information on the League of Extraordinary Bloggers, click here. And be sure to head back to Cool and Collected to see what others have to say about this week's topic. Take care everyone, and have a Happy Thanksgiving!


  1. You had me pretty nervous with a title like "Twerkin' Turkey". Thanksgiving just isn't a holiday that lends itself to sexualization, and I'd just assume keep it that way.

    I must say M, you dress daringly. Don't get me wrong, you look astounding and refined. But dolling up to go to the sewers? Its not like this is later Turtles continuity were they have their lair in an abandoned subway station or a waste water treatment plant. Theres slime all over the walls and I hate to think what the musk is going to do the hair you obviously worked so hard to put up.

    Speaking of personal grooming, it looks like Master Splinter has been getting tips via Rigby from "Regular Show".

    While we're comparing appearances. Who is Guy Friday's figure? He looks like a miniature Arnold Schwartznegger who wandered into the wardrobe for the English in "Pocahontas".

    Ah well, it looks like things worked out.

    I'm going to have to remember that "Diet Chicken" line. I like turkey, especially on sandwiches, but Turkey Soup is something I've never cared for. Theres just something wrong about eating condensed leftovers served in a liquid.

    Thinking of turkey topics myself, I was considering a post about turkey movies , you know the B-Grade bombs and the like, but sadly I don't think I can compose a list by tomorrow. I've still got plenty of pre-Christmas work to do before the end of the week!

    1. Yeah, I was a little unsure if I should have put the twerkin in the title or not, but I wanted it to be a play off of the word. I mean obviously twerkin and turkey do not belong together, but in terms of the story, April is using a word that a lot of people don't like to substitute for a word that even more people don't like.

      And I think toy Miss M does indeed like to live life on the edge. lol I personally would never even find myself in a sewer, but that is also part of the charm. A dolled up toy version of me dating a Ninja Turtle and having Thanksgiving in a sewer. It sounds so grody. I'd probably die in real life of grodiness.

      And that Master Splinter is a mess, he was from the third Turtles films toy line and he is not my favorite version to be sure, but I never usually owned a great deal of Splinter figures.

      The Guy Friday figure is actually from the Robin Hood toy line from ages ago. He is Will Scarlet aka Christian Slater! lol

      I have never been a big fan of turkey and I am not sure why. I have certainly tried it through the years, but I just never liked it. Hence where the diet chicken line came from. My family and friends are always rolling their eyes at me when I say that. And the idea of eating turkey soup, well, let's just say I'd rather get dressed to the nines and take a visit to the sewer. lol

      I like the idea of your lists for the B-Grade bombs, maybe you can find a way to do a post Turkey list or save it for next year? (or you could just email me the list as I am curious! lol )

    2. "Dressed to the Nines", "On Cloud Nine", "Love Potion Number Nine". How did the number nine become so associated with joy and well being?

      I only ask because one of the best "Turkey" films I can think of is "Plan Nine from Outer Space", the go-to for "So Bad Its Good" movies thats been known to venture into "unintentional comedy" territory. The opening monologue is just such a wonderful collection of nouns and adjectives that mean nothing. It just makes me laugh out loud each time I see it.

      For as much variety as I try to put into my film viewing selections, its rare that I watch movies that have a reputation for being bad. But I could list a few like The Room or Troll 2 (which is neither a sequel, nor includes any trolls, but thats the least of its problems)

      Though speaking of both bad movies and turkeys, I was having a conversation with my brother Matt's fiancee Becca on Thursday evening after the two of them came back from the mall. She recalled how on their way home they passed a deer. I asked if it was "A Doe, a deer, a female deer." Then my mother chimed in with the next verse, then Becca and I chimed in again and we had a little "Sound of Music" sing-along going on until Matt said "You all have HORRIBLE taste in movies!" Pretty big talk for someone who went out and bought "Sharknado" on the day of its release.

    3. I don't know why the number nine became so associated with joy and well being, but I'm sure there must be a reason!

      I've heard of Plan 9 from Outer Space, but I have never seen it. I like that opening though. I will have to check this one out.

      The Room and Trolls 2 were both pretty awful. lol I mean I do have some pretty awful tastes in movies too. I like the good stuff, but the bad stuff has its merits. lol

      I love this story about your family bursting out in song from the Sound of Music. That is so awesome! Oh my goodness, that is just so cool. Did you see Sharknado? I finally watched it to see what the deal was, and it was such a mess! lol

    4. I did not see Sharknado. I skimmed the synopsis on Wikipedia and I think that was more than enough. However, I did see a shirt at the mall yesterday that said "I survived the Sharknado!" and I knew I had to get it for Matt as a Christmas present.

    5. That sounds like a really good Christmas present! Skimming the wiki page was a smart move indeed. lol

  2. the twerking turkey bit had me scared that i was going to read april was doing twerking on the turkey. and splinter looks like he was putting on some eye shadow in the dark. otherwise liked the thing. including storm visiting for nice mention of x-men history when she lead the morloks. and figured Velvet sky would pop up. though hope she fails in killing mikelangelo

    1. lol Yeah, no actual twerking. lol Just April trying to curb her cussing during the stress of the holiday season. Splinter does look like he has some makeup on. Maybe he was stopping by the beauty counter at my work? lol Now that is something that needs to be in a story! lol I'm glad you liked this though. Yeah, anytime I think of a scene in the sewer, I always imagine that Storm is somehow not that far visiting the Morlocks. lol

  3. I need to share this with all my TNMT friends. I'm pretty sure it will make their Thanksgiving. And..... have a Happy Thanksgiving!

    1. Oh thank you! If they end up reading it, I can only hope that they will enjoy it. I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. Poor April and her poor cooking skills. She just wants to be a good woman to her man. LOL. And who knew Splinter was such a fan of daytime soaps. So that's what he does all day while the turtles are out fighting the foot.

    1. Yeah, I had to have some sort of drama and intrigue for Thanksgiving. lol I really enjoy writing April this way, even though she was nothing like that in the cartoon. As for Splinter and soaps, I wanna say he was a fan of them in the old cartoon. But I might be wrong. I do love the idea though that he is watching soaps while the Turtles are out fighting crime. lol

  5. Maybe I don't get the whole "deep fried turkey" thing. It sounds amazing, but what do you cook it in? Cuz that little thing looks like a beer keg!
    Anyway, even though you don't seem to like turkey, Happy Thanksgiving Michael!! (yes, we need to bring up the fact that you are using your whole guy name now! I love it!) -and I think I may have asked this before, but which April figure is that!? And how the hell did they get away with releasing a hooker April!? -Oh, and have you tried to acquire a Snork figure or stuffed Snork yet!?-You are right, they have a bunch! And I want!!!

    1. I don't get the whole deep fried turkey thing either, but I live in Texas so I have to make a joke about it somehow. I think from what I have seen, the turkey is dipped into a fryer that is shaped like a cylinder. I think. I have no idea though. I can't cook to save my life, which is why I certainly find myself relating to April. lol

      And the April figure is a special edition street walker April. lol I joke, but she is called the Ravishing Reporter April O'Neil I believe. I have written about her before, I just can't remember where. The packaging and her accessories are just hilarious.

      And I know right! There is just so much Snork stuff! I have to get some too. lol

  6. I had to comment for appreciating April's totally blown out 80's hair!

    Great post!

    1. Thank you Cody! April did have some big 80's hair! lol I hope you are doing well!