The Adventures of Miss M and the Toy Hunter: Journey to Snake Mountain!

Dear Diary,

While we take a break from all the current events of All My Toys, let us instead go back in time to a story that occurred a couple years ago, one that has never been told... until now! Behold the strange and twisted tale of how toy Miss M first met the one and only Toy Hunter.

Enjoy,
Miss M

Miss M Presents:

The Adventures of Miss M and the Toy Hunter: Journey to Snake Mountain!

Miss M: April! April! Where are you? You won't believe who has fallen on hard times and is looking for old Pez candy. Uneaten. It's Fritz! That dirt bag. It's just so sad that he is looking for old uneaten Pez candy. Doesn't he know there's a dollar menu at most fast food restaurants?

Jordan: Old uneaten Pez candy never goes bad and can actually be found for pennies. If you know where to look.
Miss M: Oh my goodness, you aren't April O'Neil! Just who do you think you are?

Jordan: My name is Jordan, and my heroic alias is the Toy Hunter.

Miss M: Ya know having an alias must be so nice. I hope to have an alias one day. I think I've heard of you. Your exploits and adventures are legendary. I must say though, you look so different in person. You're giving me Congo with this whole look.
Jordan: Thank you. I think.

Miss M: What brings you to the offices of Diary of a Dorkette? Wanting to talk with April about becoming a Heroic Hottie? It's this new thing we're trying to do where we showcase hot guys every month. We feel it's really going to catch on.
Jordan: As fun as that sounds, I'm actually here for you.

Miss M: (stammers) Me? Are you sure? I promise that Minnie Mouse pvc figure was paid for.

Jordan: I'm not a toy bounty hunter. Relax. I am seriously looking for you. It has come to my attention that you know your way around this town. I'd like you to join me on a journey to see a potential toy collector who has informed me of a very valuable collection that I might want to buy.

Miss M: Oh I'm sure you can handle that on your own, why would you need me?
Jordan: Because this transaction is to occur on Snake Mountain. I've never been there but I have heard you have. I've also heard you have a rather sensible toy knowledge. I'd like you to accompany me.

Miss M: To Snake Mountain?! Are you insane?! I know what you do. You travel into people's attics, garages and caves. You're like the guy from Pitfall. I can't go with you. I'm a simple dork girl. I'm a natural born Willie Scott. Snake Mountain and me just don't mix!

Jordan: Help me Miss M, you're my only hope.

Miss M: Hmm. Well... if I'm your only hope... Ok! I'll go! let me just change into my off road excursion outfit and we can be on our way!

Moments later at the dangerous Snake Mountain,

Jordan: This does not look like an off road excursion outfit. Your boots have heels.
Miss M: I know.

Miss M: I had surgical implants inserted into my feet to permanently arch them. I can only wear heels.

Jordan: Are you serious?
Miss M: (laughs) No! That would just be ridiculous.

Jordan: All right, that lava looks menacing.
Miss M: I guess we should just turn back around. Nothing more to really see huh?

Jordan: Nah, we aren't turning back now. We'll just jump.
Miss M: Gulp. Are you serious?

Jordan: (leaps into air) Yep!

Jordan: Come on, it's an easy jump.

Miss M: Oh I don't know. I can't really jump.
Jordan: Come on M, those boots were made for jumpin!

Miss M: Actually they were made for walking. I do a mean strut. I just think I should turn around. But, I won't. She-Ra would be sad to see me run away.

Miss M: I still won't leap over lava though. If I spread my legs wide enough...

Miss M: Oh catch me! I can't fall in lava!
Jordan: Nothing to worry about, you're a natural at this adventure stuff.
Miss M: You are delusional my dear friend.

Jordan: Let's keep going.
Miss M: Are you sure this is really best? I don't think I'm the girl for this job.
Jordan: Trust me, you are just fine. You know this area. I really need your help.

Miss M: Ok, but if I start to hyperventilate can you promise to just leave me? I'll find a way to survive.

Jordan: No one is getting left behind. This is going to be an easy business transaction. Now, how good are you with your toy history?

Miss M: I'm decent depending on the decade. My biggest strengths are with girl toys.

Jordan: Really?

Miss M: Yep. I'm also good with getting out of dungeons. Some would say it's all the hours I've logged in with role playing games, but my biggest secret is that I use old uneaten Pez candy to leave a trail back home. That has nothing to do with toy history. I'm just a little excited that my old high school unrequited love Fritz is getting his comeuppance. I digress. I know a lot about girl toys and most things from the 80's and onward.

Jordan: Sweet. I appreciate the pink aisle but I geek out over a variety of things from Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots, Star Wars, super heroes, the list goes on and on. I still play with toys and any time I can help someone hunt something down I take pride in finding the rarest coolest piece of pop culture from all over the world.

Miss M: That's really cool. My dream is to one day have a massive toy museum that I live in. I can smell the plastic now.
Jordan: Ok that may be taking it too far. I'm joking. That sounds awesome.
Miss M: So what is the story on this seller we are going to see? Why would they want to meet here?

Jordan: I'm not sure. I guess we just keep walking up the mountain and we will find out.

Miss M: Oh. Great. They couldn't just meet at this spot? We have to cross a bridge?

Jordan: What's the big deal with bridges?
Miss M: Bridges freak me out. Bridges freak me out!

The echo of a strange cackle roars through the mountain.

Jordan: Shh, did you hear that?

Miss M: I think it's my heart beating.

Jordan: No, I thought I heard a laugh or something.

Miss M: It's an old mountain. I'm sure it was just the rocks settling. Hey, Mr. Toy Hunter, do you think when this is all over we could stop by Toysrus?

Jordan: Um.
Miss M: It's just I heard they had this sale and I have been looking for this one figure. I thought we could go together.

Jordan: Are you asking me out?

Miss M: No. I just want to keep toy shopping once this mess is over with. Although a date to Toysrus sounds like a dream come true. Stupid Fritz, he totally missed out on all this dorkette dreaminess.

Jordan: Ya know Toysrus is fun and all, but we really need to hit up a garage sale or something. That's where the finds are really at.

Miss M: Oh that works for me too! I would die to find some great She-Ra items. Anyways, we're almost to the top.

Jordan: Great. I'm excited to see what this guy has for sale.

Miss M: Me too actually. I feel like we're Avon toy representatives or something.
Jordan: Yep. We're finally here. Guess we just knock.

Miss M: (waits for a moment and begins to worry) Looks like no one is home. Guess we should toy hunt somewhere else.

Jordan: I'm beginning to think you are scared.

Miss M: Hardly! I just think it's dangerous that we are here is all.
Jordan: Why?

Miss M: Don't you know who lives here...

A giant snake soon moves towards them making a clicking sound.

They both scream as a trapdoor opens below them.

Miss M: AHHH! Are you ok Jordan?

Jordan: Real good, just don't shake me off.

Miss M: Hold on to my legs but please don't look up my dress!

Jordan: Trust me, I'm not worried about looking up there. It's what's down below that I can't avoid.

Miss M: Why?

Jordan: No reason.

Miss M looks down and screams even more.

Miss M: O.M.G. We're going to die! We're going to die!

Jordan: No one is going to die. Just stop moving. We can climb our way back up.

Miss M: That's not what happens!

Miss M: Oh stupid snake stop moving! You're going to make the door swing my way!

Miss M groans in pain as the large door swings into her head.

Losing her grip on the ledge, she screams.

Miss M: Crapola!

Miss M screams even louder as she and the Toy Hunter fall below.

Miss M: Oh my back is going to be so sore when we are done. Oh goodness what did I land on?

Jordan: Me. You landed on me. Can you please get off me before these lizards eat us?

Miss M: I'm so sorry. Jordan, if I die in this awful adventure, please make sure my family does not just donate my collection to random people. I have a list of friends that I'd like to leave in my toy will. You can find the will in my bedroom corner with all my Barbie dolls on display.
Jordan: No one is dying. I promise you. Has anyone ever told you that you talk an awful lot? And you worry immensely?

Miss M: Maybe.

Jordan: Come on, we'll find this seller and be on our way.
Miss M: Aren't you getting it yet? We are in the heart of Snake Mountain, that can mean there is only one seller!

Skeletor: What do we have here? If it isn't that plucky Toy Hunter and a ghastly ghost girl.

Miss M: Actually, I'm not a ghost; just really pale. Big fan though. Your work as an evil warlord is just unparalleled.

Skeletor: Quiet you meddling dork girl! I know who you both are. Now, Toy Hunter, are you ready to do business?

Jordan: Yes. My assistant and I are looking forward to what you have for us.

Skeletor: Wonderful. Beast Man! Evil-Lyn! Unveil my special items for our guests.

Beast Man: Yes Skeletor.

Evil-Lyn: (sighs) Sure thing.

Evil-Lyn: What a couple of dorks.
Beast Man: I know. I could have sworn that dork girl was a ghost.

Jordan: You've got some nice digs here Skeletor.

Miss M: Yeah. We almost died getting here though.

Skeletor: Ah, than you did something right. If you get inside Snake Mountain with ease, you're doing it wrong.

Miss M: Oh my. What are they bringing in?

Evil-Lyn: Here Skeletor, the items you requested.

Skeletor: Yes. Now Toy Hunter, tell me you are ready to fork over cash for these ancient relics.

Beast Man: Ancient heavy relics.

Skeletor: Don't insult me Toy Hunter. Offer me a good deal, or else!

Jordan: Umm. What is this?

Skeletor: It's a mint on card Teela and Man-At-Arms!

Miss M: (whispers) Jordan, these aren't vintage.
Jordan: I know.

Skeletor: Well? Do we have a deal?

Jordan: I'm real sorry, but the best I can do would be thirty dollars a piece.
Miss M: I wouldn't even offer that.

Skeletor: What?! How dare you insult me, Skeletor, with such peasant prices.

Jordan: The thing is Skeletor, these aren't true vintage figures, they're replicas. Mattel released a commemorative Masters of the Universe line at the turn of the century. There just isn't the same level of value for these like the original vintage figures.

Skeletor: Curse you Toy Hunter! These artifacts are worth more!

Jordan: Maybe in a few more years, but for now these just aren't that rare and won't command a higher price.

Miss M: Oh snap!

Evil-Lyn: Just take the money Skeletor so we can be done with these dorks!

Skeletor: Quiet Evil-Lyn! I'm thinking.

Beast Man: Uhh, Master Skeletor, there is one more item.

Skeletor: That's right Beast Man! Fetch me my exclusive item, so rare no one has ever laid eyes on it.

Jordan: (perks up) I'm listening.

Beast Man: Behold, the most rare toy ever made, according to Skeletor!

Jordan: No way!

Miss M: Holy Crystal Castle Toy Hunter!

The Adventures of Miss M and the Toy Hunter will be right back after these messages!

Miss M: Hi, I'm Miss M. You probably know me from epic toy stories such as the All My Toys series and my job as a dork for Diary of a Dorkette. Well, I'm here to share with you some great toy news you can really use. The toy selection at Hollywood Heroes is enjoyed nerdy folk from all over the universe. Jordan Hembrough and his team of toy archivists have pulled together some of the greatest artifacts from pop culture ever assembled for sale on one website.

Miss M: So check out the awesome finds at Hollywood Heroes.com. It's the place where all your toy dreams can come true.

Voiceover Guy: Hollywood Heroes is not guaranteed to make all toy dreams come true. Please collect responsibly.

Now, back to The Adventures of Miss M and the Toy Hunter!

Jordan: What is this that we are looking at?

Skeletor: What does it look like? It's a mis-packaged vintage He-Man figure in a Strawberry Shortcake box.

Miss M: Wait. Something doesn't smell sweet about this.

Jordan: Tell me about it. Let's inspect.
Miss M: What do you think?

Jordan: Well, the Purple Pieman Strawberry Shortcake box is legit. This is a real vintage box. It's seen some damage, but it's real. I just don't know how a He-Man figure ended up in the box. Both properties were from rival toy companies. How did a Mattel figure get inside a Kenner produced box on the assembly line?
Miss M: I was thinking the same thing! It's like we're kismet!

Jordan: No, not really. More like we're both observant nerds.

Miss M: Yeah, totally.

Jordan: How did you come across this piece Skeletor?

Skeletor: Uh, let's see, uh. I was shopping at a strange little market in Despondos when I noticed a merchant with a cart of toys for sale. Once I saw this peculiar He-Man in a Strawberry Shortcake brand box I knew I had to have it. Strange variant items like these are perfect for any obsessive collector.

Miss M: He does have a point.

Jordan: True. I just can't put my finger on why this whole situation makes zero sense.

Miss M: Wait, do you hear something?

Jordan: Huh?

Miss M: I hear this strange mumbling. Where is that coming form?

Beast Man: Ugh. Cough. Cough. That was me.

Skeletor: Yes, it was Beast Man!

Miss M: No, no. I hear mumbling, like someone is trapped in something.

He-Man: (mumbles) Help me.

Jordan: I hear it too.

Miss M: Wait! The package! The voice is coming from inside.

He-Man: Get me out of here!

Skeletor: Stay away from that item! It's worth a lot!

Miss M: Jordan! We have to open this box! I don't think that is a toy He-Man, but the real He-Man!

Jordan: I've got it! Let's climb to the top and crack this good boy open.

Skeletor: Stop that! You're ruining the value!!!

Miss M: Jordan, can I just say, I'm having a really good time.
Jordan: Me too M, now let's get this box open.

Miss M: Hey He-Man! Can you hear us down there? Need a basket of lotion or food? We're gonna get you out soon!

Jordan: Just crawl up. You're free now.
Miss M: Yeah! You could totally do that too!

He-Man: Whew! It feels good to smell fresh air and not the scent or Purple Pieman.

He-Man: Your plan is over with Skeletor.

Miss M: Get him He-Man!

Jordan: I'm nerding out big time.

He-Man: Skeletor, your plan to get rid of me and rule Eternia has been thwarted.

Skeletor: Curse you He-Man! And your little dork friends too!

Miss M: What happened?

He-Man: Let me free Teela and her father first. I'll explain after.

Cue the He-Man music!

Evil-Lyn: Skeletor! The plan is in ruin!

Skeletor: Destroy them!

He-Man: Everyone ok?

Teela: I'm good. Thanks for saving us, but now we have bigger problems to deal with!

Man-At-Arms: Come on He-Man, let's give Skeletor a run for his money!

Skeletor: You fools! My Evil Warriors will stop you.

Miss M: Oh no, we're in a turf war.

Jordan: Something tells me they've got this under control.

He-Man: You had to know I'd get out of the box right Skeletor?

Skeletor: You muscle bound fool. I could be rich sipping expensive drinks on the beach had I sold you off. Now I'm going to rip your head off!

The long standing fight between good and evil begins!

Skeletor: Now it's time to die He-Man!

Evil-Lyn: You need your medicine: a punch to the face!
Miss M: Not my nose!

Miss M must fight for her life!

Miss M: Not to today crazy evil warrior goddess!

Jordan: You're pretty tough.
Miss M: Thanks.

Miss M: All it takes is one swift kick.

Miss M: We've got company.
Jordan: I don't think I'll be buying toys at all today.

Beast Man snarls and charges!

The dynamic talents of Miss M and the Toy Hunter prevail though!

Miss M: My goodness you have a hairy back! Eww. Grody.

Jordan: Now that we've gotten that taken care of, I wonder how He-Man is doing?

Teela: This is for trying to sell me as a commemorative item you jerk!

Man-At-Arms: I second that!

Soon Skeletor finds out he can't take much more.

He slumps to the ground as the heroes yell their battle cry for victory!

Miss M: Wow, we survived Jordan!
Jordan: You're right. We were never in any real danger though.
Miss M: I mildly agree.

He-Man: It's over Skeletor.

Skeletor: It will never be over you muscle bound baboon! I'll find the secrets to Eternia if it's the last thing I do!

Skeletor: Retreat Evil Warriors!

Jordan: I take it Skeletor wanted to sell you off so he could rule over Eternia?

He-Man: I'm afraid so. Skeletor tricked us into becoming live mint items for sale. He almost got away with it too.

Miss M: Thank goodness I have the ears of a SilverHawk.

Jordan: I'm glad Skeletor couldn't get away with this.

Teela: We can't thank you enough.

He-Man: Yes. Thank you. Now, we are off to Castle Grayskull for some Mimosas. Care to join us?

Miss M: Oh I'd die to go!

Jordan: Actually we need to be going. I have plenty of other toy hunting stops to make. I have a goal I must reach for products to sell at the next big comic convention.

He-Man: Understandable. Next time then.
Jordan: Of course.

He-Man: Bye!
Teela: Have a nice day.
Man-At-Arms: What is that smell?

He-Man: It's me. I don't know how Moss Man can handle being scented.

Miss M: Bye! It was nice helping to save you!

Miss M: I can't believe you don't want to party with them! That's He-Man!

Jordan: I know. It was a very tempting offer. However I was thinking we could hit up some garage sales and maybe a Toysrus? I still need your help.

Miss M: Really?
Jordan: Sure, why not?

Miss M: Well sign me up and slap a rocking chair on me!

Jordan: I don't think that's a real saying.

Miss M: It's not. I get things mixed up.

Jordan: Very well. Come on, let's get out of here.
Miss M: Fine by me.

Jordan: Ya know, you handled yourself pretty well, for someone who is a self described Willie Scott.

Miss M: Oh that's only because I wasn't having to eat monkey brains or have insects in my hair. It could have gone down a lot differently.

Jordan: Maybe so. All right, question time, what do you think was the most underrated toy line from the 80's?

Miss M: Oh that's a tough one, I mean there's just so many.

Jordan: You gotta start somewhere.
Miss M: Hmm. I think it must be...

Miss M and Jordan walk off far away from the horrors of Snake Mountain and into the vast sea of toy hunting. While there would be more toy stories in both their futures, this was their first. Eventually leaving for toy parts unknown, the Toy Hunter would be gone as if he'd never existed. Back at the Diary of a Dorkette office Miss M couldn't help but share her unusual story. Some would believe this toy story while others would think Miss M a loon. None of it mattered as Miss M knew her truth. She had journeyed into a dangerous vile place for toy treasures and ended up saving the most powerful man in the universe with the help from the one and only Toy Hunter.

May all your toy dreams come true everyone!

Be sure to stick around though, I'll will be back with our regular toy stories shortly. Hope everyone is doing well.