Crap. Big time crap. Ever since April O'Neil told me on Tuesday night that the Masters of the Universe Classics sub went through, there has just been a massive party at my house. Like the hugest party ever. So many people have been coming and going, I can't even keep track. I don't know what to do Diary. The party has been going on non-stop throughout Wednesday and well into the night. Just so much partying. I want to know when these people will leave. I've got work to do. I still have to find a Heroic Hottie to interview for the month of August. It's night time now, so maybe they will all go home. Maybe. I also may have kissed Michelangelo. Ok, I kissed him. I know Diary, I know. I went and screwed things up big time. How do I fix any of this? Anyways, I am really tired. I just hope that when I wake, everything will be over. Send me some luck.
To find out who makes it as the Heroic Hottie, keep reading!
August 2013 Heroic Hottie
Miss M's house by way of her living room...
Miss M: (shouting from another room) April, are you still here?
Miss M: (continuing to shout as her pet dog Luke looks at all the food everywhere) April? I don't hear anything? Oh please tell me this madness is over.
Miss M: (her voice getting louder) April! Someone! Anyone! Is there anyone there? Luke, I am your mother! Oh come on! (slightly whispering) Thank goodness, I think everyone is gone...
Ignoring the words of his mommy, little Luke sniffs the remnants of a half eaten cheeseburger. He quickly jumps up onto a chair as soon as Miss M enters the room with a loud gasp.
Miss M: Holy shit. This place is a mess. Oh my goddess. How am I going to clean this up?
Miss M: (shaking April awake) April! Wake up!
April: (groaning) What M? You are so loud. Is it Wednesday yet?
Miss M: No. It's Thursday morning.
April: Are you wearing pajamas?
Miss M: It's a sleep shirt.
April: It looks ratchet. I'm going back to sleep.
Miss M: But April! We've got work to do. We still haven't figured out who is going to be the Heroic Hottie for August! April! Crap. (looks down at the ground) Eww. Is this a bag of throw-up? April, answer me! (nothing but silence) Fine. I'm going to take a nice relaxing bubble bath to escape this mess. Calgon better take my ass far, far away.
Miss M: (looks down at the side of her couch towards a passed out Care Bear) Really? I expected more from you Cheer Bear.
Miss M: Ok. I'm ready for some pampering. A nice bubble bath will do the trick... (sniffs the air) What is that strange smell?
Ignoring her senses, Miss M prepares for her much needed bubble bath.
Miss M: (pausing ever so slightly) Well, now that's funny. The water is not working. And something just smells really bad.
Miss M checks other areas of her restroom, like the shower and her toilet. Something is incredibly wrong. The truth dawns on her in a most shocking way...
Miss M: I need a PLUMBER!
Rushing into her living room in a panic, Miss M looks around in shock. Her living room looks different. April ignores the frazzled M, and focuses her attention to the television.
Miss M: What have you done? Where are my gold decorative walls? What is happening?
April: All that screaming you've been doing woke me up. So I did some cleaning. I've been nursing my hangover and feeding Cheer Bear. She is famished and required sustenance, starting with a giant sub. I sent the gold walls off for cleaning, you'd never believe what spilled on them last night. What's on your head?
Miss M: A shower cap.
April: I swear you are the oldest woman I know.
Miss M: Whatever. Listen, I need to find a phone book. We need a plumber. The restroom is all messed up. Did anyone use the restroom last night?
April: Of course they did. Everyone was using your restroom.
Miss M: I don't believe this. Someone wrecked my bathroom and all you can do is watch television.
April: Soap operas help with my hangover.
Miss M: Yeah, well all I want is to take a damn bubble bath.
Moments later, Miss M is thrilled to have help on such short notice.
Plumber Dan: Wow. This is a girly bathroom.
Miss M: Yeah, well, you should see my bedroom. (shrieking slightly) Wait! That sounded really wrong, I didn't mean for it to sound like that.
Plumber Dan: No problem. You'd be surprised what I've heard on other jobs.
Miss M: I'll take your word for it. So, what are your first impressions?
Plumber Dan: Without really looking at everything in detail yet, I'd say based off the smell, you probably have a backed up sewage problem. Have you or anyone else flushed any massive amounts of stuff down the toilet?
Miss M: Well, I'm classy. So if there is anything that has backed up the pipes, it was not from me. I've had a great deal of house guests lately, so I can't be sure, but I'd be willing to bet that someone either ate too much or...
Plumber Dan: How 'bout I just take a look at everything?
Miss M: (sighs in relief) Perfect.
Plumber Dan: Let's see, I'll start with the toilet first. The toilet is usually the main culprit.
Miss M: Oh that poor toilet. I can't imagine what horrors it has seen these last couple nights. Damn April and her parties.
Plumber Dan: Wait, be quiet. (pauses for a moment) Do you hear something?
Suddenly a loud noise erupts from the toilet.
Plumber Dan: No way! It's Party Butt!
Party Butt: Slurp, gawk, ROAR!!!!!
Miss M: (screaming as the toilet moves towards them) What is Party Butt?!
Plumber Dan: You don't wanna know. Stay behind me. This is not going to be pretty. I've dealt with Party Butt before.
Miss M: (gasps as tendrils of hair begin twirling out of her tub) Eek! What is this!
Plumber Dan: We're in trouble. The Ghosts of Parties Past are trying to destroy your home.
Miss M: What in the world?
Both Miss M and Plumber Dan gag as Party Butt gurgles out more nastiness.
Miss M: Oh no! Please don't let that touch the floor!
Plumber Dan: Party Butt is releasing ghost spawn poo! These spectral remnants from your house party are going to ruin your bathroom.
Miss M: They're everywhere! What do we do? Who are they?
Plumber Dan: These familiar foes are dangerous and smelly. Let me break it down for you M.
Plumber Dan: Up first is Party Butt. One of your guests must have had too much beer and alcohol to drink. This ghostly visitor is what's leftover as said beer and alcohol runs through a person's digestive system. Your guest probably had no idea what they were delivering...
Miss M: I'm going to throw up.
Plumber Dan: Next we have Trap-Hair. This ghost is tricky and may not always come from a party. Every strand and different type of hair that gets stuck in a bath drain builds up until it all becomes a ghostly animation hungry for human flesh.
Trap-Hair: Gimme a head with hair! Long beautiful hair!
Plumber Dan: This is Booger. Every foul sneeze, allergen, and piece of fecal matter that sneaks into your drain makes up this vicious creature. Don't let him near you as he always goes for the face.
Booger: (laughs uncontrollably)
Miss M: I don't understand! How is this happening to me! I'm a clean person!
Plumber Dan: It doesn't matter M. If you have enough people using and abusing your restroom, you leave the space open to nasty ghosts. Just like a public restroom.
Miss M: I can't live here anymore. I just can't.
Miss M is ready to leave, until she feels her shower door open on her. She screams as more nasty things come out.
Miss M: There's more!
Plumber Dan: Yes. The orange guy is Super Scum. Someone must have gotten sick in there with the brew shakes. Super Scum also brought the ghost of a Nutria Rat with him.
Miss M: I have ghost rats in my house now?! What is this! We were just wanting to celebrate Masters of the Universe Classics going through for 2014! I don't deserve this!
Miss M and Plumber Dan try to escape the frightful group of hungry ghosts bent on eating their souls.
Miss M: (cursing as she falls to the ground) Great! Now what! This just keeps getting worse.
Plumber Dan: Don't worry lady. I've got something for this situation...
Plumber Dan: Stand back and watch. I just need to raise my Plunger aloft and say...
Plumber Dan: By the power of a clean bowl...
Plumber Dan: I am the PLUMBER!!!
Plumber Dan: I have the plunger of power!
Miss M: Is this real life?
The two heroes fight off the vicious Ghosts of Parties Past. Plumber Dan wields his Plunger of Power at the beasts as Miss M stomps on the Nutria Rat while striking a pose.
While making great headway, Miss M looks on as Plumber Dan fights off the ring leader of the bunch. His goal is to rid the toilet of any remnants of Party Butt.
As Plumber Dan plunges and fights, Miss M curses at Trap-Hair and Booger as she tries to stuff them back down into the Drain of Despair.
Miss M: Go haunt someone else you bastards!
Plumber Dan: Don't worry M! I'm almost done!
Plumber Dan: Damn it Party Butt! This ends now!
As Party Butt growls and screams refusing to leave the toilet, Plumber Dan gives one last plunge of power. Screaming in defeat, Party Butt whooshes away and just like that, the Ghosts of Parties Past are no more.
Miss M: That's it. They're all gone.
Plumber Dan: Yes ma'am. That will be seven hundred dollars.
Miss M: Seven hundred dollas! I don't have that kinda money!
Plumber Dan: Ma'am, I just fought Party Butt. Believe me, no other plumber can do that. Not even those Italian brothers that totally stole my bit.
Miss M: Ok, ok. Let me think about this. I can't pay you that kinda money as I simply do not have it. But what if I offered something else? Like, what would you say to being the August 2013 Heroic Hottie?
Plumber Dan: What's a Heroic Hottie?
Miss M: Oh, let me tell you! I write for this little blog on the Internet and every month I interview the hottest men from all over the universe. Believe me, being featured as a Heroic Hottie is worth more than its weight in gold.
Plumber Dan: Really? Hmm. Let me think. Will chicks dig me?
Miss M: Absolutely. You'll probably have to fight them off you with your plunger.
Plumber Dan: Really?
Miss M: Really.
Plumber Dan: You gotta deal ma'am. I'd love to be the Heroic Hottie for your blog!
Miss M: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!
With both of their jobs now over, Miss M smiles as she knows that she can now have her bubble bath. In peace.
And now for the moral segment...
Plumber Dan: In today's blog post, Miss M found herself in deep dark trouble. All of this could have been avoided had she had the backbone to kick annoying people out of her home. Instead, she had to witness the horrific aftermath of other people being party home wreckers. Her life and the lives of others could have been in grave danger. Next time, remember the importance of having a backbone and telling people, "It's time to get the eff out!" Oh, and don't kiss Ninja Turtles unless you really mean it. See you all again soon.
August 2013 Heroic Hottie!
With an all new Heroic Hottie behind us, stick around as I tackle this week's topic from Cool and Collected for the League of Extraordinary Bloggers very soon!